DESIRE DIFFERENCES: TURNING DIFFERENCES INTO DISASTERS

The escalating conflict between partners with desire differences is even more pronounced when one partner does indeed suffer from ISD, especially if this person's sexual interest suddenly takes a nose dive.

For instance, during the six years that Kevin and Carl had been together, they had weathered many hard times, admitting that more than once the only thing that had kept them together was dread of having to start over with someone else. Both had had many sexual relationships prior to "settling down" and felt extremely lucky that they had not been infected with AIDS. Like other couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, they had experienced a slow but steady decline in the frequency of sex, but both agreed it had not been anything to be alarmed about. What did alarm them was Kevin's dramatic loss of interest in sex, a change that had occurred six months and when he was chosen to head the national concert promotion company whose local operation he had run for the past five years.

To oversee a multimillion-dollar business with branch offices in twelve states was both an honor and a challenge. It also brought with it tremendous responsibility, longer hours, and constant headaches. It was not uncommon for Kevin to receive crisis calls at home and be on the phone late into the night, trying to resolve problems with artists and venues and managers. Fatigue, stress, and anxiety about his ability to handle the job all took their toll on Kevin's sexual desire.

Never one to discuss the things that bothered him, when Kevin did talk about work, he always focused on the positive aspects. He gave Carl no verbal clues about the strain he was feeling. Instead, as in signaling sexual desire, Kevin just expected Carl to know what he was going through. Carl couldn't help but notice that Kevin was more irritable and tired than he used to be and even rightly attributed his mood to work-related stress. But he did not make the connection between stress and the change in their sex life, because in the past, when Kevin had been "wired" about work, sex was exactly what he'd looked for to help him relax and feel better. With this in mind, Carl more frequently made sexual overtures, which Kevin rebuffed. Because the change was sudden and drastic, and because sex was highly valued as their main emotional outlet, Kevin and Carl's battle, unlike Barbara and Dan's, escalated rapidly. Nightly "screaming matches" were commonplace by the time they called our office for an appointment.

A sudden, noticeable change in one partner's sex drive is almost always greeted by a noticeable reaction from the other partner. Quite often, the initial response to a drop in a partner's sexual desire is to suspect infidelity, which is sometimes the case. Guilty feelings about extramarital affairs and anxiety about getting caught, along with general relationship tension, do inhibit interest in having sex with your spouse or long-term lover.

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