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DESIRE DIFFERENCES: TURNING DIFFERENCES INTO DISASTERS - REACTION FOR HIGHER-DESIRE PARTNERS

Another common reaction is for higher-desire partners— male or female—to assume that they have done something wrong, that they are no longer attractive to their partners, or that there is a problem in their relationship that their partners are refusing to discuss. Again, the higher-desire partner may at times be right, although the lower-drive partner—who is usually unaware of the underlying problem—may adamantly deny that anything is wrong.

Without an acceptable explanation, partners of ISD sufferers rarely tolerate the situation for long. ISD and desire differences may cause more distress and marital discord than other sexual problems—probably because problems like being nonor-gasmic, impotence, and premature ejaculation do not completely stop sex or are often perceived as being out of anyone's control. Desire is not seen in this light, however. Men and women see sexual interest as something their partners can switch on and off at will, and become preoccupied or even obsessed with the idea that their partners are turning it off to hurt them or because they have somehow failed. In nearly every case, the higher-desire partner's relentless effort to fix the problem actually aggravates the ISD partner's condition.

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